‘Funniest Joke of the Day’ Archive
August 22nd 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comment(1)
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:”You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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Well, there you have it. The meaning of life. Things are making a lot more sense now. Unfortunately I’ve just recently crossed into the 40 year slave in the sun category. Can’t wait for the monkey tricks though! Thanks to Turoks.net for today’s joke.
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 21st 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comment(1)
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”
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I think the “I can tell he’s guilty” jury duty excuse is an old classic George Carlin joke. Nice to see a modern anti-lawyer spin on it. Thanks to Lawyer Laughter for another funny one!
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 20th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · No Comments
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.
Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.
Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Law #11: Interchangeable parts won’t.
Law #12: Manufacturer’s specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Law #13: Salespeople’s claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
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Guess we had a lot of engineers on the site voting up this one for funniest joke of the day! Sounds like they got it rough over there…I’m no engineer, but this is basically how I feel whenever I try to build anything (even if it does come with step by step instructions!) Thanks to The JOKES Blog for today’s winner!
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 17th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comments(3)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He’s a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
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OH MY GOD! I am a teacher and this joke has so much truth to it. I mean, some kids deserve you telling their parents all the sordid details of their daily school life…but others are good kids are heart and you gotta spin the negative into positive. I think a couple of these might be exact quotes from my parent/teacher conferences. Thanks to The JOKES Blog for today’s Funniest Jokeof the day.
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 16th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comments(2)
Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, “Trust us — we’re lawyers.”
When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.
On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. “Well,” they said modestly, “we ARE lawyers.”
After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. “Trust us,” the three said. “We’re lawyers.”
When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant’s bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.
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This time the lawyer’s end up looking like the smart ones! Unlike most of the other lawyer jokes we’ve seen, this joke is more anti-accountant than anti-lawyer. So, as I’ve done so many times for any lawyers in the audience: “Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Accountants.” Thanks to Lawyer Laughter for today’s joke!
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 15th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comment(1)
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?”
Patient: “Well, let me have the bad news first.”
Doctor: “You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.”
Patient: “Oh no! That’s just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?”
Doctor: “You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.”
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Well, it was bound to happen. These jokes of the day are based entirely on your votes, I just write up the commentary. As such, I think this is the first day where I just really didn’t think this joke was all that funny…but it’s the votes that matter, not this one guy’s opinion. Thanks once again to The JOKES Blog for the (apparently) funny joke!
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 14th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comment(1)
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”
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My wife and I must’ve laughed for 5 minutes straight at this joke. I think her and I love checking out these jokes more than anybody. I am working on adding in an “Email This!” feature so that she can quickly send it to her parents and friends (instead of copying and pasting like she’s been doing). I thought that was a pretty good idea, so hopefully I’ll have it operational soon. Thanks to The JOKES Blog for another hilarious one!
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 13th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · No Comments
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to get a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave.” replied the lawyer.
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Another great lawyer joke! (You voters must really like these, though I can’t really blame ya!) Again, this joke could’ve been about any guy who is acting like a jerk, but that jerk again turns out to be a lawyer. I guess the jokes come with the territory…thanks again to Lawyer Laughter
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 10th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comments(3)
A man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared.
“Master,” the genie said, “Thank you for letting me out of my thousand year prison. For this, I will grant you three wishes. The catch is, that every lawyer will get twice what you get. After all, I am a lawyer’s genie”
The man thought about this for a minute or two. “For my first wish, I would like ten million tax-free dollars.”
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured him that $10,000,000 had been deposited. “But every lawyer has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“For my second wish, I would love a big 50 room mansion to live in with my wife and children.”
Instantly, the man was shown his 50 room mansion. “But every lawyer has just received two 50 room mansions,” said the genie. “You are down to your last wish. Use it wisely,” the genie said.
“Well, okay.” The man said as he paused for a moment. “Yes! I’ve got it!,” the man said.
“What?,” said the genie.
“Scare me half to death.”
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Another great lawyer joke from Lawyer Laughter (Sorry Curmudgeon…he’s a lawyer). Actually though, these jokes aren’t so much about lawyers as they are about in general about someone you don’t like. Like “blonde jokes” aren’t so much about blondes as they are about in general someone who isn’t too bright. This one is very witty though!
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 9th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comment(1)
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false.
The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on.
“Well, I finished the exam in half an hour,” said the student, “but I thought I ought to recheck my answers.”
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Wow, as a math teacher, I love this joke! Sadly, I think that this was the strategy used by many of my students on their exams. A lot of the time it’s not a bad strategy though, at least you don’t get suckered into the “trick” questions! Thanks to The JOKES Blog for today’s joke.
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
August 8th 2007 · Posted in Funniest Joke of the Day · Comments(3)
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over a million dollars last year but didn’t donate even a cent to a charity.
“First of all”, says the lawyer, “my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it’s not covered by healthcare.
Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages.
Third, my sister’s husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children…”
“I’m terribly sorry”, says the United Way man, “I feel bad about asking for money.”
The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I’m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?”
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This joke is little bit wrong and a whole lotta mean, but I think it accurately depicts how we all feel about lawyers (sorry if any lawyers are reading this! I’m sure you’re not all scumbags). Thanks to Lawyer Laugher for today’s winning joke.
…Chosen based on your nominations and votes at BlankestBlank.com!
